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'I'm not a perfect person' says Hegseth, who is not even a sort of ok person

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WASHINGTON — Pete Hegseth began his confirmation hearing this week for Defense Secretary with effusive support from Senators Markwayne “Fists of Fury” Mullin and Tommy “Don’t forget he coached Auburn” as well as heated questions from Senators Tammy Duckworth, Tim “Not Walz” Kaine. Yet Hegseth handled the questioning ably by asserting that he was “not a perfect person” despite not even being a somewhat decent person, sources confirmed today.


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When questioned by Sen. Kaine concerning extramarital affairs, for instance, Hegseth jumped to defend himself against an accusation of sexual assault that Kaine had not yet mentioned, which is totally normal behavior that an innocent person would definitely do. Hegseth, a possible rapist and definite philanderer, explained that he was not a perfect person (again) but was redeemed through God. Sources close to the former Fox News host say he often practices Godly acts such as breaking the seventh commandment, advocating for breaking the sixth commandment, and generally being kind of gross.

"Germs are not a real thing. I can't see them; therefore, they're not real," Hegseth explained while hosting Fox and Friends, hopefully jokingly.

“Cleanliness is close to Godliness,” Hegseth clarified. “Just like I was super close to getting a Ranger tab before the Army passed me over and lowered the standards for those bitches.”


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Hegseth has long been an outspoken critic of women in combat roles, though he has fervently denied that these criticisms were sexist, instead emphasizing his fear of falling standards. While maintaining physical, mental, and moral standards has been top of mind for the potential defense secretary, he has continuously met opposition from the woke left. For example, Sen. Elizabeth Warren shamelessly defamed Hegseth’s reputation by reading aloud his own quotes from talk show appearances, podcasts, and his book, The War on Warriors.

Meanwhile, Sen. Mullin defended Hegseth and even pointed out the hypocrisy that exists in Congress, such as sex scandals and drunk night voting. Following the hearing, he further bolstered Hegseth’s reputation.

“Is Pete a cheater? Sure, but who among us isn’t?” Mullin asked in front of his bewildered wife and mother of his six children. “And did he maybe mismanage funds allotted for veterans… I mean, that is par for the course here in Washington.”

Iowa Senator and veteran Joni Ernst gave a qualified endorsement of Hegseth while also expressing concerns about the defense budget, sexual assault in the military, and maintaining standards.

“Look, I don’t like the guy. He stinks both literally and metaphorically,” Ernst remarked. “But if I hamstring his nomination, am I really any better than Tuberville?”

This is a developing story.

Gray Sea Liu is a former Naval Officer, current smart ass


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jsled
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you COULD mail the list to yourself, if you wish to be, objectively, Extra

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January 15th, 2025next

January 15th, 2025: I am honestly big into this idea. Time for me to start gasping in shock whenever I find a note I've written myself and muttering "But - it can't be possible!... CAN IT??"

– Ryan

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Click here to go see the bonus panel!

Hovertext:
Really every theorem should either describe what it does or have ten thousand names, chained by hyphens, going back to an early hominid named Garg.


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You can actually safely cite everyone because you can always rely on the media reporting on your research to do the "not citing" part for you.

(also: reporting on your research? Ahahahahahahaha)

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Hahaha.
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The Case for Kamala Harris

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For the third time in eight years, Americans have to decide whether they want Donald Trump to be their president. No voter could be ignorant by now of who he is. Opinions about Trump aren’t just hardened—they’re dried out and exhausted. The man’s character has been in our faces for so long, blatant and unchanging, that it kills the possibility of new thoughts, which explains the strange mix of boredom and dread in our politics. Whenever Trump senses any waning of public attention, he’ll call his opponent a disgusting name, or dishonor the memory of fallen soldiers, or threaten to overturn the election if he loses, or vow to rule like a dictator if he wins. He knows that nothing he says is likely to change anyone’s views.

Almost half the electorate supported Trump in 2016, and supported him again in 2020. This same split seems likely on November 5. Trump’s support is fixed and impervious to argument. This election, like the last two, will be decided by an absurdly small percentage of voters in a handful of states.

Because one of the most personally malignant and politically dangerous candidates in American history was on the ballot, The Atlantic endorsed Trump’s previous Democratic opponents—only the third and fourth endorsements since the magazine’s founding, in 1857. We endorsed Abraham Lincoln for president in 1860 (though not, for reasons lost to history, in 1864). One hundred and four years later, we endorsed Lyndon B. Johnson for president. In 2016, we endorsed Hillary Clinton for more or less the same reason Johnson won this magazine’s endorsement in 1964. Clinton was a credible candidate who would have made a competent president, but we endorsed her because she was running against a manifestly unstable and incompetent Republican nominee. The editors of this magazine in 1964 feared Barry Goldwater less for his positions than for his zealotry and seeming lack of self-restraint.

Of all Trump’s insults, cruelties, abuses of power, corrupt dealings, and crimes, the event that proved the essential rightness of the endorsements of Hillary Clinton and Joe Biden took place on January 6, 2021, when Trump became the first American president to try to overturn an election and prevent the peaceful transfer of power.

This year, Trump is even more vicious and erratic than in the past, and the ideas of his closest advisers are more extreme. Trump has made clear that he would use a second term to consolidate unprecedented power in his own hands, punishing adversaries and pursuing a far-right agenda that most Americans don’t want. “We believe that this election is a turning-point in our history,” the magazine prophesied correctly when it endorsed Abraham Lincoln in 1860. This year’s election is another.

[From the January/February 2024 issue: If Trump wins]

About the candidate we are endorsing: The Atlantic is a heterodox place, staffed by freethinkers, and for some of us, Kamala Harris’s policy views are too centrist, while for others they’re too liberal. The process that led to her nomination was flawed, and she’s been cagey in keeping the public and press from getting to know her as well as they should. But we know a few things for sure. Having devoted her life to public service, Harris respects the law and the Constitution. She believes in the freedom, equality, and dignity of all Americans. She’s untainted by corruption, let alone a felony record or a history of sexual assault. She doesn’t embarrass her compatriots with her language and behavior, or pit them against one another. She doesn’t curry favor with dictators. She won’t abuse the power of the highest office in order to keep it. She believes in democracy. These, and not any specific policy positions, are the reasons The Atlantic is endorsing her.

This endorsement will not be controversial to Trump’s antagonists. Nor will it matter to his supporters. But to the voters who don’t much care for either candidate, and who will decide the country’s fate, it is not enough to list Harris’s strengths or write a bill of obvious particulars against Trump. The main reason for those ambivalent Americans to vote for Harris has little to do with policy or partisanship. It’s this: Electing her and defeating him is the only way to release us from the political nightmare in which we’re trapped and bring us to the next phase of the American experiment.

Trump isn’t solely responsible for this age of poisonous rhetoric, hateful name-calling, conspiracies and lies, divided families and communities, cowardly leaders and deluded followers—but as long as Trump still sits atop the Republican Party, it will not end. His power depends on lowering the country into a feverish state of fear and rage where Americans turn on one another. For the millions of alienated and politically homeless voters who despise what the country has become and believe it can do better, sending Trump into retirement is the necessary first step.

If you’re a conservative who can’t abide Harris’s tax and immigration policies, but who is also offended by the rottenness of the Republican Party, only Trump’s final defeat will allow your party to return to health—then you’ll be free to oppose President Harris wholeheartedly. Like you, we wish for the return of the Republican Party of Ronald Reagan, Bob Dole, John McCain, and Mitt Romney, a party animated by actual ideas. We believe that American politics are healthiest when vibrant conservative and liberal parties fight it out on matters of policy.

If you’re a progressive who thinks the Democratic Party is a tool of corporate America, talk to someone who still can’t forgive themselves for voting for Ralph Nader in 2000—then ask yourself which candidate, Harris or Trump, would give you any leverage to push for policies you care about.

And if you’re one of the many Americans who can’t stand politics and just want to opt out, remember that under democracy, inaction is also an action; that no one ever has clean hands; and that, as our 1860 editorial said, “nothing can absolve us from doing our best to look at all public questions as citizens, and therefore in some sort as administrators and rulers.” In other words, voting is a right that makes you responsible.

Trump is the sphinx who stands in the way of America entering a more hopeful future. In Greek mythology, the sphinx killed every traveler who failed to answer her riddle, until Oedipus finally solved it, causing the monster’s demise. The answer to Trump lies in every American’s hands. Then he needs only to go away.


This article appears in the November 2024 print edition with the headline “Kamala Harris for President.”

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