WASHINGTON — White House Deputy Chief of Staff Stephen Miller capped off his day by rewatching the death of horse Artax in beloved 1984 children’s fantasy film “The NeverEnding Story,” appalled sources confirmed.

“Spending my day fighting to enact policies requiring mass deportation and family separation of migrants is exhausting,” Miller said as he reclined in his loveseat and giggled at the sobs of character Atreyu. “It feels great to come home every night and watch Atreyu struggle futilely to pull his beloved horse out of the muck as he succumbs to the crippling depression pervading the Swamps of Sadness. I’m not even a big fan of the movie as a whole; I just like this and the scene depicting children bullying the character whose mother just died. There’s just something about the gut-wrenching despair enveloping Atreyu that makes me feel so warm and content.”

Wife Katie Miller reacted to her husband’s behavior.

“Look, I love misery and suffering as much as the next God-fearing American,” Miller confided as she watched her husband squeal delightedly and clap his hands before restarting the scene. “I just think he should branch out and watch something different every now and then. I work in the Department of Government Efficiency, which I know is a complete joke. Nevertheless, I’d still like to be able to relax and watch something else at the end of the day, but Stephen is always watching that stupid horse die. As much as I enjoy seeing my husband revel in a child’s anguish, it’d be nice to be able to play an episode of ‘Yellowjackets.’”

Psychologist Chike Adeoye weighed in on the situation.

“Malevolent government leaders love to revisit upsetting scenes from childhood movies in their downtime,” Adeoye offered. “I see this all the time in my case studies. Whether it’s Vladimir Putin rewatching the old lady die in the beginning of ‘Up’ or Ronald Reagan having Charlotte’s death scene in ‘Charlotte’s Web’ played on repeat during White House holiday parties, the psychopaths running the world all have a specific taste for childhood trauma. Dick Cheney had a 65-inch TV set up in the US Naval Observatory just so he could watch the funeral scene from ‘My Girl,’ so Stephen Miller’s proclivities are certainly nothing new.”

At press time, Miller was beginning his nightly bedtime routine by rereading the end of “Where the Red Fern Grows.”

The post Stephen Miller Unwinds After Long Day by Rewatching the Horse Death Scene From “The NeverEnding Story” appeared first on The Hard Times.

WASHINGTON — Pete Hegseth began his confirmation hearing this week for Defense Secretary with effusive support from Senators Markwayne “Fists of Fury” Mullin and Tommy “Don’t forget he coached Auburn” as well as heated questions from Senators Tammy Duckworth, Tim “Not Walz” Kaine. Yet Hegseth handled the questioning ably by asserting that he was “not a perfect person” despite not even being a somewhat decent person, sources confirmed today.

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When questioned by Sen. Kaine concerning extramarital affairs, for instance, Hegseth jumped to defend himself against an accusation of sexual assault that Kaine had not yet mentioned, which is totally normal behavior that an innocent person would definitely do. Hegseth, a possible rapist and definite philanderer, explained that he was not a perfect person (again) but was redeemed through God. Sources close to the former Fox News host say he often practices Godly acts such as breaking the seventh commandment, advocating for breaking the sixth commandment, and generally being kind of gross.

"Germs are not a real thing. I can't see them; therefore, they're not real," Hegseth explained while hosting Fox and Friends, hopefully jokingly.

“Cleanliness is close to Godliness,” Hegseth clarified. “Just like I was super close to getting a Ranger tab before the Army passed me over and lowered the standards for those bitches.”

Hegseth has long been an outspoken critic of women in combat roles, though he has fervently denied that these criticisms were sexist, instead emphasizing his fear of falling standards. While maintaining physical, mental, and moral standards has been top of mind for the potential defense secretary, he has continuously met opposition from the woke left. For example, Sen. Elizabeth Warren shamelessly defamed Hegseth’s reputation by reading aloud his own quotes from talk show appearances, podcasts, and his book, The War on Warriors.

Meanwhile, Sen. Mullin defended Hegseth and even pointed out the hypocrisy that exists in Congress, such as sex scandals and drunk night voting. Following the hearing, he further bolstered Hegseth’s reputation.

“Is Pete a cheater? Sure, but who among us isn’t?” Mullin asked in front of his bewildered wife and mother of his six children. “And did he maybe mismanage funds allotted for veterans… I mean, that is par for the course here in Washington.”

Iowa Senator and veteran Joni Ernst gave a qualified endorsement of Hegseth while also expressing concerns about the defense budget, sexual assault in the military, and maintaining standards.

“Look, I don’t like the guy. He stinks both literally and metaphorically,” Ernst remarked. “But if I hamstring his nomination, am I really any better than Tuberville?”

This is a developing story.

Gray Sea Liu is a former Naval Officer, current smart ass

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